


tell me what's on your mind

by dreampatrol



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Blame Makki, But Also Thank Him, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, mild panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 09:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreampatrol/pseuds/dreampatrol
Summary: Oikawa Tooru was notorious for dating nearly every girl in the school - and getting dumped by each one. A feeling in his gut nagged at him constantly, making him wonder why he dated girls if he never loved them.That reason may or may not be related to Iwaizumi Hajime.





	tell me what's on your mind

**Author's Note:**

> t/w: mild panic attack

It was simple. Oikawa had done it a million times - accept a girl’s confession, go out with them for a week, and get dumped.

“You never pay attention to me.”

“You focus too much on volleyball.”

“Do you even love me?”

They were all the same. Beautiful girls with long, flowing hair and sparkling eyes would somehow get him after school to confess. Oikawa had nothing against them; if anything, he accepted with the hopes they’d discover how terrible he truly was and leave him alone. He had two issues with the girls who’d tell him they liked him.

1\. They liked his image over his personality. He was the infamous Oikawa Tooru, who never dated anyone for longer than seven days - he was the heartbreaker who every girl wanted a chance with, and had them thinking _they’d_ be the one he’d keep forever.

Volleyball didn’t matter to them, nor did his own friends or issues become a part of their relationship. He built up an immunity to showing his feelings; if anyone were to find out how emotionally unstable he was, after they broke up, his ex could spread dangerous rumors.

2\. The more time Oikawa spent with girls, the more he realized how little he wanted to date them. Sure, they were pretty, but they had nothing else going for them. He never understood when his classmates would catcall or crudely compliment a girl, nor did he invest any time in figuring out why.

Oikawa was too busy acting unfazed in the boys’ changing room, as if seeing a bunch of guys half-naked didn’t make him feel. . . Uncomfortable.

Those were things he could never tell anyone, though. He wondered how much he’d be laughed at by Makki, Mattsun, and Iwaizumi if he ever told them how much he hated girls.

 _Especially_ Iwaizumi.

The last thing Oikawa needed was Iwaizumi discovering that he was probably gay - there was nothing wrong with that, but at the same time, he’d seen Iwaizumi turn in the opposite direction at just the sight of two men holding hands or kissing.

He wanted to have hope that it was all in his head, that maybe he dreamt all those times Iwaizumi frowned when he accidentally flirted with a guy in his presence. Oikawa didn’t know why, but if his closest friend couldn’t accept him, there was no way he’d be able to accept _himself._

He sighed and checked the date on his phone. It was a Friday, and he was expecting a call, text, something from the girl he was dating asking for a breakup. Instead, he got a text from Makki.

**From: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_did that girl break up w/ you yet?_

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_nope, it usually happens later at night_  
_why?_

**From: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_iwaizumi was wondering, that’s all_

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_iwaizumi?? why him? is he okay (＋_＋)_

Oikawa forced himself to sit up in bed. From what he knew, Iwaizumi _never_ asked about his love life. He wondered why Makki had to ask for him. All he would ever do was high-five Oikawa when he got a new girlfriend, even though the latter couldn’t care less.

It had been over five minutes and there was no response.

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_you still there?_  
_hello_  
_should i ask iwa-chan myself or ? ?_

**From: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_back, sorry_  
_i needed to confirm something w mattsun first_  
_but yea you might want to talk to him_

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_about WHAT makki i’m concerned_

**From: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_lol about ur Big Gay Crush™ on him_  
_seeya_

Oikawa stared at his phone screen. Blinked a few times.

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_my WHAT_  
_GET BACK HERE OR SO HELP ME MAKKI_  
_??????_  
_i swear i’m not gay_

His calls wouldn’t go through, and he couldn’t bring himself to leave a voicemail cursing the shit out of Makki. Oikawa Tooru, the school heartbreaker, gay? There was no way. He just _appreciated_ the male body. Iwaizumi would hate him so much if he found out, there was just no way-

Oikawa gave the conversation one more glance. A big gay crush, huh? He wasn’t sure what to believe.

His notification sound went off, and for a second he hoped it was Iwaizumi, but it was from a girl whose contact name was **Miyu-san.** About three entire paragraphs had been sent to him, explaining how unloved she felt and that he should “take this message and apply it to his next relationship.” Ha.

What was the point? If he never cared about these girls, what was he trying to accomplish? Makki and Mattsun apparently knew he was gay, (before he did, which was a little embarrassing) but this one time, they said Iwaizumi was curious.

Maybe he wanted someone to notice.

Maybe, just _maybe,_ he wanted that someone to be Iwaizumi.

Oikawa took a deep breath. The only person he couldn’t lie to was Iwaizumi. Now that he was positive about the truth - albeit with a little help - he needed to say it. Of course he was going to be rejected, but a small part of him wanted to think that they’d be able to salvage their relationship as acquaintances. Besides, Makki said Iwaizumi wanted to know if he was still dating someone. _Please,_ he thought, _you can’t hate me. You can’t leave._

**To: iwa-chan (♡˙︶˙♡)**  
_she broke up with me_  
_that’s what you wanted to know, right_

**From: iwa-chan (♡˙︶˙♡)**  
_?_

He didn’t bother reading what Iwaizumi sent him. In his mind, Oikawa already planned the perfect responses; for some reason, though, he couldn’t use any of them. They didn’t sound enough like him. He decided to write what came to mind, which was significantly worse.

**To: iwa-chan (♡˙︶˙♡)**  
_is this what you wanted_  
_you don’t even want me to be with a girl?_  
_iwa-chan just tell me what’s on your mind for once_  
_it’s killing me._

Thinking back to the message from Miyu, he heard the insults repeating in his mind.

 

_I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. Why would you accept my confession if you’d just treat me like garbage?_

_I really can’t see how you get all of these girls, and yet you’re not satisfied. Is there anyone out there who you think is enough?_

_Goodbye, Oikawa. I hope your friends know how shitty you really are._

They were all words he was used to hearing. Those girls couldn’t hurt him - Oikawa had to be strong. _But for who?_ He choked back a sob. Everything was coming down on him at once, how he was gay, never into girls, and alone. Always alone.

His attempts to stay strong failed and a tear rolled down his cheek, a hiccup escaped. Oikawa was too busy caving in to notice his phone going off.

 **From: iwa-chan (♡˙︶˙♡)**  
_What are you talking about_  
_Makki told me he said something to you, he wouldn't tell me what though_  
_Oikawa?_  
_I’m coming over._

After what felt like an eternity of sitting in his dark room, lonely and crying, there was a knock at the door.

“Oikawa?” It was Iwaizumi. “Your mom let me in. Can I open the door?”

All he could do was release a sob in response.

He heard the door slam open but softly close. Thankfully the lights stayed off. There was a chance Iwaizumi hadn’t heard him, right? Definitely. This was all a dream. He was going to wake up soon, and he’d go to school and date girls he hated, go to volleyball practice pretending he didn’t care about Iwaizumi as much as he really did, and everything would be like normal. Oikawa _definitely_ wasn’t sitting on his bed in fuzzy alien pajama pants, probably with a red face and a runny nose and tears dripping everywhere and-

“Oikawa, I want you to listen to my voice.” He was afraid beyond belief and could barely breathe, but Iwaizumi sounded so quiet and meaningful. “Shh, take deep breaths with me. In, out.”

Another hiccup escaped Oikawa’s lips as he took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. He had no idea how long it took him before he could remember what was going on again. Tears continued to leak out of his eyes, but he felt conscious.

Conscious, and hugging Iwaizumi _very_ tight.

Almost immediately, Oikawa released his grip and covered his face. He was wearing a soft hoodie, and didn’t want to let go, but, “I’m sorry,” He whimpered, “You weren’t supposed to see that. I’ll leave you alone.”

“What are you _talking_ about? You text me all this cryptic shit and I find out you’re having a panic attack?” Iwaizumi pulled at his hair, but there wasn’t enough light to see his facial expression. “Please, Oikawa, I don’t know what happened, but the last thing I want you to do right now is leave me alone!”

“But you’ll hate me.” He choked.

“I could never hate you,” His voice was soft. A hand reached out towards Oikawa’s cheek for a fleeting moment before returning to the bed. “I just want to know what’s going on - if you’re okay.” Iwaizumi shifted on the bed so he was a few inches closer. “Only when you’re ready, though.” He flicked on the lamp an arm’s reach away, and they sat in silence.

Oikawa sniffled and waited a minute or two. He opened his mouth, ready to spill everything, prepared to ruin the closest friendship he ever had, but his phone buzzed.

Iwaizumi got to it first. Of course, he knew the passcode - Oikawa had lost a bet - and of all things, found the conversation with Miyu. He could _see_ the anger flash in his eyes.

The only thing he could do was watch as Iwaizumi scrolled through the conversation, reading each accusatory text before he clicked the phone off at a certain point. Neither of them noticed that they huddled closer than ever before.

“I had no idea. I’m sorry for prying.” Iwaizumi wouldn't meet Oikawa’s eyes, and he felt like a wall was growing between them.

“I-”

“Did you love her? I swear, if you loved her and she came up with all of these shitty lies I’m going to-”

“I - What? No, that’s not - Iwaizumi, I don’t even know her first name. It’s nothing new. Happens all the time.” ‘Iwaizumi.’ When was the last time he called him Iwaizumi? It was always Iwa-chan. Iwa-chan meant _I’m okay._ It meant _don’t worry about me, because I promise nothing’s wrong._

But this time, there were a lot of things going wrong.

“I’m sorry, but I really don’t know why you date so many girls if they treat you like this afterwards.” His voice was low and screamed disapproval, but he looked like he was trying not to explode.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Oikawa looked away. His face was probably blotchy and disgusting.

“Then tell me, Tooru. I want to help you.” The name sent shivers down his spine. It was reserved for special occasions only, according to Iwaizumi.

It was only then when he realized the situation he was in. The two were sitting on his unmade bed, Oikawa in pajamas, Iwaizumi in a hoodie and sweatpants. His feet were bare. Oikawa noted that Iwaizumi’s hair was unbrushed and he looked unbelievably exhausted for it to be only 8pm. Had he been worrying the entire time? Where was Makki?

“Are you ready to hear it?” Oikawa whispered.

“I’ve always been.”

“It’s not just Miyu-san. It’s. . . all of them.” He leaned into Iwaizumi, close enough to hear both of their hearts beating in unison.

“All of them?” Oikawa felt like glass to Iwaizumi. He wanted to shout that he was fine, that he wouldn’t break if Iwaizumi wanted to wrap his arms around and hold him. Oikawa couldn’t tell if it was out of contempt or something else that made him keep his arms limp at his sides instead. He felt disgusting, undeserving.

“ _Girls,_ Hajime. I don’t like girls. I like-” It must have been a habit, refusing to look at people’s faces when telling a secret. Especially with Iwaizumi - he wasn’t ready to see the horrified look that was probably all over his features. “I like guys. And even more than that, I like you. I love you.” Oikawa could feel the tears threaten to spill for a second time. His brain hurt, and most of all, his heart felt like it’d break in half.

Preparing himself for rejection, he covered his face again. Oikawa ran his fingers through his hair, wondering how he could be such a _baby_ sometimes and, a second later, why he couldn’t hear Iwaizumi running away. No one was calling him disgusting. No one was standing up as fast as possible and slamming the door behind them. Instead, Iwaizumi looked at him with a broken face and spoke no words.

“You. . .” His face was red, “You love me?”

Of all the situations Oikawa ran through, none of them included Iwaizumi staying.

“I do. I really do, and I’m sorry, because I know you’re not into guys and you think it’s disgusting and that _I’m_ disgusting-”

“When did I say I wasn’t into guys?” Iwaizumi interrupted, a fire burning in his eyes.

“You never did, but you always look so mad when you see stuff like that. Besides, I thought I could make you jealous by dating a lot of girls, but. . .” Oikawa felt himself burning with embarrassment. He just confessed, got ignored, _and_ assumed someone’s sexuality.

“Oikawa, listen to me.” He reached for Oikawa’s hands and gripped them tight. “I don’t hate gay people,” A small laugh escaped Iwaizumi’s lips, which he found himself staring at, “I was jealous.”

Guilt coursed through his veins. “Jealous?”

“Yes, jealous. I wanted something like that so badly. I guess it looked like I was angry, but I was angry at what they had.” If they were in a completely different situation, the two of them would probably be laughing at their stupidity, but the atmosphere was solemn. “Every time I saw you with a girl, I just got so frustrated that it wasn’t _me._ Why do you think I hated hearing about the girls you dated?”

“You wanted to date me?” Oikawa’s mind spun, trying to remember all of the times Iwaizumi ignored his offers to hang out with his girlfriend.

“I _still_ want to date you!” He shouted, and a few seconds turned bright red. Iwaizumi looked awkward for a moment before glancing back down at Oikawa’s hands. “I love you, too.”

Oikawa stared for a minute before realizing that he hadn’t been rejected. He looked at Iwaizumi, who had stars in his eyes, and it made him realize how in love with the boy he really was. He’d never been let down, no matter how many times he messed up. It was all worth it.

“Tell me if you hate it,” Oikawa mumbled, leaning closer towards Iwaizumi.

“What-”

In the heat of the moment, he slammed his lips against Iwaizumi’s, wrapping his arms around his neck. After a second of shock and stillness, Iwaizumi kissed back, releasing a string of quiet curses in between breaths. His hands rested gently on Oikawa’s hips, kissing him like he was drowning and Oikawa was air, filling his lungs and giving him a second chance - the remaining salty tears mixed in, but neither cared enough to stop. They’d waited years for the moment, and as Oikawa barely moaned Iwaizumi’s name, he knew he was too far gone.

The two pulled apart after both were heaving and Oikawa was sure his lips were swollen.

“So,” Oikawa grinned, breathless, “Does this mean we’re dating now?”

“Hell yes,” Iwaizumi groaned. He pulled him back in for another kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**To: makki (⌐■_■)**  
_i hate you so much_  
_but i think i owe you my life._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! school was cancelled today (so much snow haha) and I felt like spending my afternoon writing
> 
> I hope you enjoyed ♡


End file.
